Saturday Night, 12:45 AM and I am 2 episodes deep into season 2 of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days. No parties, no drinks, just me, a bottle of Organic Clementine in
fused juice and my computer. Watching the show I get lost in thought. It amazes me the number of people who get scammed every day because of their extreme desire for love. Yet as I continue to watch, it is apparent love is not the motive at all. There are several themes that remain constant in the characters seeking the foreign love interest. These include insecurity, lack of self confidence and the need for validation.
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt as if it was too good to be true? A relationship where you felt that the other person couldn’t possibly be interested in you FOR REAL? For some reason you may have felt that this person had a certain status, look or even age which would ultimately mean that they couldn’t dare find you attractive, intriguing or worthy. This type of insecurity within your relationship is extremely dangerous and can ultimately lead to you sacrificing yourself for the “good” of the relationship.
So what now?
It’s important to begin to look within yourself to determine what you are looking for within this other person. It’s time to start reclaiming your time, energy and happiness. If you are a fan of the 90 Day
Fiance series you have probably heard characters say things like
“She was gorgeous I can’t believe she even wanted to talk to me.”
“At may age, I never thought I would find someone to love me, let alone someone this young”
“He looked like a model”
“When I met him I was pregnant, I even sent him a piece of the umbilical cord.”
The last one may not be as common as the others however various situations in our lives can lead us to becoming more vulnerable than we would have been before. Pregnancy and being in the after math of a failed relationship are just 2 scenarios which can alter our perception of self. However, looking for another person to make you complete won’t make you feel any more whole than you already are. In order to build a happy relationship – you must first look within yourself for the tools you need.
How to Stop Seeking External Validation
It can be exhausting to continuously try to be everything for everyone and there is no reason that you should be. Seeking validation from other people is a dangerous habit to have and a hard one to break. It becomes increasingly hard when we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities that appear to have perfect lives, perfect bodies and perfect families. You must realize that the secret to a happy life lives in seeking validation only from yourself. Use tips below to help you break the cycle of looking for validation in others all while reclaiming your time, energy and spirit. 
- Take breaks from Social Media: Although social media can be a great tool for career advancement and leisure time, too much of it can distort our perceptions of reality. Always remember that social media is simply a highlight reel of a person’s life.
- Become aware of your actions: There are reasons behind all of our actions. Try to find the root cause of your insecurities and kill them at the source.
- Keep a journal: Finding an outlet to your emotions can be a great way to curb them and keep them from getting the best of you. Journaling allows you to rid yourself of any negative thoughts you may be feeling
- Evaluate your circle: You should surround yourself with people who uplift you and push you to do better. If your circle is constantly comparing and contrasting your lives, that may not be the circle for you.
- Be selfish with your self: Don’t be afraid to say no. Be selfish with who you give your time and energy to, once it is gone, you can not get it back.
These are only a small set of suggestions to aid you in getting out of your own way and avoiding a fall into the trap of a scammer love interest.
Until next time…stay black and stay happy.
